The Alpha Blonde


This article was written on 25 Jan 2015, and is filled under body image, Check In, family, health.

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The weight of grieving

I’m down another 1.2 lbs, which is an even 15 in the last 6 weeks. It also ushers me out of baby-weight completely and puts me squarely in the middle of the range of pounds that I refer to as my “grief weight”. These aren’t any ordinary Netflix with Oreos pounds, they’re the ones I accumulated while coping with the loss of my grandmother.

They insulated me when I just couldn’t come to grips with the reality that I’d never hear her call my sister and I her girls again. They probably came on with plenty of Netflix and Oreos, don’t get me wrong, but these were used to drown out the constant background noise of “She’s gone.” rather than just a typical PMS pig-out.

Finding myself here this morning kind of shocked me. I wasn’t mentally looking ahead like “okay, first the pregnancy weight, then the grief weight, and then finally the new-relationship weight from 3 years ago” or anything (naturally, I am now), It was one of those weird moments when I saw the number on the scale and flashed back to the last time I felt like my pants didn’t dig in at my hips- my grandma’s funeral. I remember it because I went on Chuck’s show that same afternoon and got one of those tummy-wraps that one of his guests brought because he needed an assistant. I saw my before and after, and I remember thinking that my before looked good, even if my eyes were shining with tears in the corners.

It’s weird, but I feel like this 5-7 lbs is going to be really healing to lose. I’ve grieved and found myself in a much better place. I don’t need the extra layer of protection anymore and I can shed it and remember my grandma without extreme ache- hearing Ave Maria makes me grin from ear to ear these days. The burden of grief is the real weight that I’ve lost.

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