The Alpha Blonde


This article was written on 19 Aug 2014, and is filled under relationships.

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Dear Peter Frampton,

Dear Peter Frampton,

Peter Frampton

You know, you never really made it onto my list of imaginary boyfriends until like, last year. I know you were a total sex symbol and all and somehow I never realized it. My husband had to point it out. Did you know that he totally raised the prices on his paper route customers when he was 12 to be able to afford Frampton Comes Alive? He had it opened up and pinned to his wall and everything, you were his first mancrush.

When he first told me this I rolled my eyes. I mean, he’s the guy who thinks I should be impressed by his stories of hanging out with Eddie Money- how was I supposed to differentiate?

But then, oh then, he discovered that Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band is on Netflix. GAME OVER.

Sgt Pepper 1

I’m sure you hate that this movie ever happened, but let me tell you, it kindled a flame. An adorable, pastel-colored-clothing, in-a-band-with-the-BeeGees singing Beatles songs fanned flame. Seriously. I wanted you all to hug it out with me. But mostly you. And it wasn’t your teeny-tiny butt, even though I still can’t figure out how the trim waistlines of the late 70’s were even possible, nor was it your unruly and majestic hair. It wasn’t even the way that I didn’t realize that you never spoke a word for the whole movie until about my 4th time viewing it.

It wasn’t even this face:


(Though it helped)

Actually, what made me forever a fan was…

it was…


Okay, it was your teeth. Or i guess your whole mouth. It’s an exquisite mouth. I’ve envisioned the greatest things coming out of it. Beyond the usual kittens and unicorns I usually image that come stampeding out of my favorite people’s mouths.


It just gets better and better as you age. I’ve pictured armies marching out of it, wondered what the inside of your teeth look like, hell, I even once sent a text to a friend asking if it would be weird if John Stamos came crawling out, fresh from a performance of pretending to be a Beach Boy. She said no, that probably wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a mouth so wonderful. I felt validated.

I’ll see you in a week in Visalia, I’m hoping to get a seat in the toothy grin section.



PS- Please, please please play your cover of Blackhole Sun at this show. Not that it has anything to do with your mouth (except, I guess the vocals you throw in there…) but it’s just so badass. Listening to nothing but you on Spotify for months straight made me realize that guitar solos aren’t actually the musical equivalent to taking too many selfies. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

PPS- I named my kitten after you. He was cute and gray and fuzzy and all I wanted to be was by his side. Until he ran away. Apparently he didn’t feel the way I feel. Talk about Humble Pie.

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