The Alpha Blonde

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This article was written on 29 Apr 2014, and is filled under Check In, health.

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Gestational diabetes is kicking my ass

This isn’t my first rodeo- I had gestational diabetes with my last pregnancy.

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This time though I have double the duration of managing it. Three months longer than last time of insulin injections bruising my love handles.

I feel like I’ve been reduced to a whiner, a complainer. Eating has become a chore. I am grudgingly eating meat again after 4 years of strict vegetarianism because I’m at a loss for what to do with my protein vs carb requirements. Fate would have me vomiting whenever I put an egg in my mouth- I was banking on eggs to carry me through this thing. Same for cheese, I can eat it in something, but just cheese straight up makes me feel very sick. I’m thankful that tofu is still palatable.

Morale has been pretty low, though. The price of insulin and test strips for my monitor is high and I’m feeling guilty that I’m costing us so much money. I wake up and just want to stay in bed because I don’t want to have to face peanut butter toast ever again for breakfast. As a stress eater I have no clue how to cope with my shit, I’ve never once emotionally downed a handful of almonds.

Because my pregnancy hormones change as soon as I think I’ve found a pattern, identical meals can be just fine one week and cause a dramatic spike in my blood sugar the next. Or I’ll take the recommended dose of insulin and find myself shaking because I’d had just a little bit more physical activity than I took into account and it’s taken a nose dive.

I don’t feel in control.

I’m suspecting that there may be a little depression lurking. I just don’t want to do anything.

Whenever well meaning friends try to offer advice or point out that it’ll all be worth it when the baby is born I start working through throat punching people in my mind. Obviously I’m excited that there’s a rad baby at the end of all of this, but don’t you dare belittle my experience now.

Yesterday I spoke with my doctor about tubal ligation. I can’t imagine doing this again, no matter how amazing my kids are and what being a mother has done for me. Pregnancy should be fun, right? I just want to fast forward to fall and feel like I call the shots with my body again.

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