The Alpha Blonde


This article was written on 13 Dec 2013, and is filled under Check In, make, relationships.

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My Drunk Year, or: How I ended up listening to Wrecking Ball on repeat for an hour.

I’m gearing up for L.A. Zine Fest, scanning my zines and getting them ready to print and put in the paws of people much cooler and better dressed than myself.  I decided to scan my first zine My Drunk Year to start the process.  Fate had it that Wrecking Ball had been in my head since I was tying skate laces for a group of schoolkids that came to the Ice Rink today, so I popped it on Spotify and it started working itself into the motions and rhythms of scanning.

The pages of heartbreak, the typos and the stains- some purposeful and some the product of keeping a box of wine by my typewriter, that I left in it because I want the reader to be just as agitated as I was as they make their way through a relationship that never was a relationship.  The boyfriend who never let me be his girlfriend.  The fucking mess of a man that I was unable to keep from becoming ensnared in my heart.  All that.

About halfway through my 6th replay it hit me that this song is a few years too late, oh how I wish I’d had this anthem to sing at the top of my lungs as I was living through My Drunk Year.  It fits even better than Taylor Swift’s Dear John, which had me in the fetal position sobbing every time it played.  Which, being depressed and in a bad relationship, I of course played on loop.

As I’m scanning through and reading each vignette, Wrecking Ball is a reminder that we have to be always vigilant with our hearts.  I am fortunate in that I now have a loving partner but our first year was scattered with flashbacks, tears over very minor things and him constantly having to remind me that I was punishing the wrong man.  Things have gotten easier but some things take much longer to heal than anyone can ever prepare you for.  Chuck knows the situation- he’s even read the zine, which I know isn’t easy for anyone to read about their predecessor.  He’s been so kind and gentle in the way he’s handled me in situations where some of the more traumatic moments come back to me.

If I hadn’t written the zine, I doubt I would have healed enough to be ready for this relationship.  Here are a few excerpts, the whole shebang will be available at L.A. Zine Fest in February.  Also, read an interview I did with Aurora Lady for her blog!

Scan 19

Scan 18





One Comment

  1. Judy Geant
    December 13, 2013

    Thank you so much for sharing! Sometimes I feel alone in the world of heartbreak, a difficult marriage, and relarionships, saturated by lack of communication, and life in general.

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