The Alpha Blonde

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This article was written on 09 Dec 2013, and is filled under Check In, health, relationships, travel.

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A pause in trying

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Winter is settling in, and there’s a squirming discomfort that pervades the dead-still beauty of the quiet season.  I doubt that the stillness would have even made itself known had we stayed close to home this weekend.  Pets, projects and a never-ending list of chores that must be seen to make it nearly impossible to ever experience a complete suspension of everything.

We took off to Mariposa again because the slice of small town Americana is our retreat from “urban” problems; “Hi this is XXXXXXX from XXXXXX XXXX, I called because we have another incidence of, well, poop on our stoop.”

It snowed while we were there, the first snow of the winter, and everything was just so still.  Except for the kids.  They were like the thing you catch in your peripheral vision but can’t fully comprehend, incongruous laughter against the silent stillness.

And when they were calm, after the snow-angels and building mountains and digging frozen tunnels took all of their energy and there was nothing to do but give in to exhaustion, quiet, I had nothing to distract me from the things that were unfolding themselves and taking advantage of all of this empty space to fill. My grandmother is gone. A friend just died. I am the lowest on the “college degree” food chain among my coworkers and most of my friends.

And then my period started.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant for the last eight months, each period bringing with it the anxiety-inducing implication that maybe it just won’t happen.  I open my period tracker app on my iPhone multiple times a day, as though staring at the calendar with its little flower showing when I should be ovulating and the hearts that betray when we’ve… you know… might give more insight as to when I will decode the magic combination that leads to conception. And then after being so good and refusing drinks and pretending that tea gets the job done instead of espresso- just in case- I know it was in vain with 30 seconds of back pain that wraps around to my abdomen and back again. Then the let down, the depression and helplessness.

Maybe we just aren’t meant to have another member of our family.

The busy-ness of home disguises hard truths and makes it easier to ignore and work past them.  But in the bare-sky and bright-white earthen winter afternoon the decision to stop trying wormed its way into my racing mind despite the stillness around me.  To stop tearing myself apart over something I have little control over, in this time of the year where things are already bound to careen out of control on their own.  I can’t stop the heartache of winter, the hectic season, the shitty choice of bills versus Christmas gifts for everyone. The is no need to heap another stressor on top of these things.

I mentioned it to Chuck, this deliberate defiance of the “fertile window” for a few months until I can stop reeling from all of the months when just didn’t happen. All he cares about is being with me, being near me.  I can stop trying to fight timing and time and come to a place where I’ll be more at peace with it not happening, in case it never does.  His support is guaranteed.

Back home, I can already feel the stillness slipping away.  Even the quiet, piercing cold outside is filled with more movement here than it is in Mariposa.  I can hear the cars on the 180 freeway, a train somewhere and my neighbor out in his yard, then my own inner voice screaming that even if I go in to work early tomorrow I’ll still never get anything done- all vying for the concentration that I should give to contemplative thought. There is so much stimulation that it numbs like feet asleep, when all you can think about is the pins and needles.  No more one on one with each individual problem. But at least now, back amid the familiar chaos I have one less squirming worry wrecking me this winter.

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