The Alpha Blonde


This article was written on 20 Aug 2013, and is filled under parenting.

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When your heart plummets…

This afternoon I got one of the calls that can absolutely terrify any parent- “Hi this is the daycare, Cary didn’t get on the bus after school…”

You never know how you’ll react to that scenario until it happens.  My nightmares aren’t of an apocalypse or falling or darkness anymore.  The things that haunt me at night are losing my children, unseen forces ripping my family apart.

As soon as she said those words my head was spinning and my heart was racing, I couldn’t find his school’s phone number fast enough, my fingers fumbled as I tried to call my partner in parenting, Rebecca, their step-mom to make sure that no one was picking him up that the daycare didn’t know about.  Then on the phone with the office of the elementary school, being put on hold I almost lost it.  My hands were shaking and I was pacing furiously just outside of the office.  “What class is Cary in” My voice was shaky as I answered with his new teacher’s name, and as we were talking his teacher walked into the office with him.  He’d missed his bus and had found her for help.  Relief flooded me as hung up to call the daycare, Rebecca and Rebecca’s mom who had hopped in the car to go look for him at the school.

Once I was done with the phone tree everything in me collapsed.  I sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes, composed myself and sobbed again.  My hands were shaking and even now, 5 hours later I still have a knot in my stomach.  My boy, my pride and joy and the love of my life is safe, but the adrenaline of the unknown is still coursing through me.  Motherhood can deal heavy blows, even when everything is fine.  In being a mom you open yourself to a whole world of pain, fear and loss that is only rivaled by the joy, challenge, adventure and unbelievably huge love that comes with it.

I’m zapped.  I’ve spent the evening watching Doctor Who and eating comfort food (curried lentil soup. 4 bowls, please.) and I’m still near tears.  Cary and Mollie are at their dad’s tonight and to downplay how scary the situation is for parents I haven’t made a big deal or rushed to his side.  The most wonderful thing of all is that he didn’t even get ruffled by it.  He knew to find an adult he could trust and wasn’t scared or worried.  I’m so proud of him, he’s smart and already so grown up.

Anyway, I’m freaking out again because my coping skills are clearly inferior to my first grader’s, so I’m just gonna abruptly end this with this:

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